hurts after hurts *

Friday, October 9, 2009

Break down , Breaking down , Broke down , Broken down !

just finished bathing. got tuh noe that i sent wrong msg tuh cindy then just now just replied her msg & she called in. felt happy tuh receive her call actually , but , th moment she say "hello" , i sense smth bad lerhs. she toked tuh me in a angry tone. & i was like KONG HUAN XI YI CHANG =/ had some kind of quarrel lahs. th way she toked tuh me like shit. sighs. called jonas and related tuh her. she told me alot of things. & now i roughly noe why "she" suddenly treat me this way. im having alot of mixture of feelings right now. sad , broken , depressed , pain , angry , happy , etc etc lahs. so readers , be prepared tuh hear me nag again, but this time round's nagging , gonna be VERY STRAIGHTFORWARD !

today is th 091009 , which is th 1 year 1 month anni. but this shit happened. really , i dont noe why out of all th days , must be this day siahs. its like TONG SHANG JIA TONG lahs ! this time derhs post , im being very honest , straightforward and anything you think i am. when "she" just dc , i was waiting for her tuh call me. noe why? partly becos of her letter she wrote tuh me before i dc. & when she call me , i was indeed very happy ! slowly , i went tuh meet her , but at that point of time , i dont really tot of wan tuh FU CHU so much for her anymore derhs. so i admit that i was indeed selfish towards her at that point of time. then th first time i met her after she dc , was with jonas , and that was how she noe jonas. jonas kept encouraging me tuh GAN GAN QU AI "ta" if i still love her. at first , i dint really tot of wan tuh FU CHU even after jonas first few encouragement. cos at that point of time , i was thinking , "who noes she will hurt me again or not , what if i give her all den when she leave me , i lose all? & im left with nothing ! Is she worth it? Will I regret if I really start tuh FU CHU? It isnt fair tuh KQ ..........." then slowly me and "her" became close , kept meeting , almost everyday also meet , but i must say that thats also becos JONAS helped me lahs. thks. then came tuh she run away from home , i tried my best tuh help her lerhs , i gave everything i can lerhs. maybe what i have given is not really alot tuh her , but it meant alot tuh me. ever since she run home , becos of helping her , my life changed. really , th changes are obvious. pretty obvious. before she enter my life again , my life was very simple , after sch play bball or go library study with my meimei Clara , 7-8plus PM reached home. then weekends work , sometimes meet my fren. thats it , simple life right? but after she enter my life , everything just changed. in addition , she run home. more stress for me. i everyday go sch , spend money also $1 - $2 , th rest i will buy things for her tuh eat , i very late then go home , i everyday also go down find her , no matter at WEST or at jonas house, rs btwn me and my mom get worst, i was even caned by her can , i spent alot of money within days, i was often late for work , i slept very late every night becos of toking on th phone with her, affected my next day performance in sch , kept dozing off in class, im so broke right now although my payday was like a week ago. all these sacrifices in less than a month's time still not enough?!?!?! and they all still can say i selfish AFTER i have done all these???? really very sot siahs. although i did all these things, but i did it out of my LOVE for her , on my own will. i tried my best tuh help her , love her th way she wanted tuh be loved , be there for her whenever i can , let her feel loved and pampered , make her happy lerhs. i did so many things for her , but i have never asked for anything in return except just her LOVE , i just wanted her tuh love me th way i loved her. from what i see , i treated her better than how her frens treated her & yet she treated me worse than how she treat a NORMAL fren like jonas. jonas say "she" treat me worse than a fren is becos "she" has once loved me deeply. so this is th way she treat someone who she once loved deeply? why is it like so opposite derhs uhs? when she is upset , she use laughters tuh cover up her tears , & never wanna show it out tuh me. its not that i dint approach her , i did , but she would always be saying that she is fine. ppl kip saying that i very selfish , only think abt myself & not for "her" , BUT i did thought for her , tried tuh put myself into her shoes & feel how she felt , but what else can i do besides listening tuh her rants , think of ways tuh help her out , & even try tuh help her within my capability. & ppl still can say that im selfish & never think for her , i did , but who think for me? not even "she". "she" ever told me that she love me , but i dont tink she got tink for me luhs. cos if "she" did , she wouldnt have asked me tuh call her late at night becos i next day have tuh go sch , "she" would have spent her money WISELY , etcetc lahs. "she" only told me that"she" loved me , but when im with her , i've never felt her love. yes , i admit that i was afraid that she might fall for jonas , but i trust jonas. for this , i cant say that i trust "her" becos of too many factors. but , i cant say that i doubt her too lahs. cos i have no reason tuh. she had asked me tuh trust her , but all i can say is that TRUST is NOT for me tuh give but for her tuh EARN. so far , i cant say that i dont trust her , yes i do trust her , but not that much lahs. as th saying goes , " th person who you find th most difficult tuh trust , is th person who you love th most " . ppl told me that she toked tuh XiaoHao for hours. how that person noe? obviously its becos that person witnessed it lahs ! & does anyone ever think of how i will feel after hearing that? dont say a bung lahs , a guy hear ppl like that say of th girl he love also will feel one kind derhs lahs hor. but i also tahan lerhs , i never mention anything abt it. becos of her , i let go of kelle , becos of her , i nearly let go of KQ too. becos i noe i still love her. i used tuh hate her , i used tuh love her , now , i really dont noe how should i feel abt her lerhs. im very tired lerhs. my heart is hurting now. & it hurts badly... how i crave for alcohol tuh numb th pain now... i dont wanna think , but i just cant help it. my mind , my heart , my body , my soul , all also very tired liaos. seriously they are exhausted. as what i have dread for , HURT , is how i feel now. her words and th way she treated me cuts me like a knife. im just so afraid tuh love anyone anymore. heart almost dead lerhs. ytd , when was in th train , she used my hp tuh call/msg XiaoHao. i have tuh day that i was indeed very sot lahs. use MY PHONE tuh msg/call HIM lehs ! give who in my position also sot lahs. then some msgs i tink she deleted lerhs bahs. i also dont noe lahs. but i never say anything lahs infront of her ytd , but th poor bro of mine , Chris , listened tuh my KP. Ps lehs. One of she sent tuh XiaoHao derhs msg says that "she" tonight will call him. so ytd night "she" never call me like how she always does , and she no msgs nothing , thats when i recalled tuh th msg that she sent XiaoHao that"she" will call him. thats why i msg XiaoHao & asked him tuh ask "her" tuh call me. then this morning when i at chalet , she called me and used a very FUCKUP tone tuh tok tuh me. she ask me why i look for her till i must ask find till her frens tuh noe where is she. & XiaoHao seems tuh have helped me tell her that im looking for her lerhs. in my heart , i tink , " wahs, so fast Xiaohao tell her lerhs uhs? that means that "she" often contact Xiaohao lahs? wtf ! " but i never say anything out tuh her lahs. i will feel so jealous / dulan when she contact Xiaohao is also becos wo ZAI HU her & she has not given me any assurance. i dont feel secured, i DONT , even though im a bung , a bung needs a sense of security too. i never have th courage tuh tell her all these that im writing in my blog now , NEVER ! cos i find it hard tuh relate my probs & everything tuh her. & always, even when she show me attitude or whatever , i give in tuh her becos i dont wan have any quarrel with her. but today , just now , i just burst out , maybe becos i have done too much of thinking and could take it no more.

jiu blog till here lerhs. thanks for listening tuh my KP. take care readers. im really tired lerhs now. eyes dropping, probably becos just now cried too much lerhs bahs. haish.

SCREAMED at Friday, October 09, 2009